Grief, Life and Work

On facing death of a loved one

Death, the most certain truths of life is one that catches everyone by surprise, always.

At the hospital when I was watching the ventilator as my daughter lay there, I had hope. The worst case scenario, I thought was she may be paralysed for a few days. She is only 9 years old — age is on her side and she most definitely will fight back. Four days after the tragic accident, I found myself switching off the ventilator and a week later, preparing for her funeral.

Everything came to a standstill and much of my memory of those days, weeks and perhaps months is a blank. I know how I was feeling but not what I did or didn’t do. I spent a lot of time at work, just to take my mind off everything. My employers and co-workers let me be, asking intermittently if I needed anything. Friends took care of the day-to-day running of my household, travelling miles, taking turns to look after us.

For the lack of knowing what to say, people offered us comfort by saying, ‘it will all be okay’, or ‘it’ll be alright’. There were a steady flow of people visiting us over the course of next few months. Letters, signed condolence books, cards, emails, messages — I don’t think I have still managed to read them all, let alone reply to them. (I found myself replying to messages as recently as last year, 7 years later, as I had not managed to respond to them or acknowledge their kind words of comfort)

Preparing to Grieve: time is a big healer

One ofcourse experiences unbearable physical pain when there is a loss. But it is not necessary that it leads to one crying. When there is severe trauma, a person’s body may go into shock and not exhibit the obvious signs of grief.

In times like these, it is important to allow oneself the time or trigger it needs to ‘let it out’. I remember going and watching theatre productions to keep my mind off and cry my eyes out in the dark. Or it was usually crying into my pillow all night, when I was alone. So when I was in plain sight of people who knew me, I appeared strong, composed and calm. I was fighting grief.

I went into a ‘get things done’ mode and started planning donation of her belongings, setting up a trust in her memory, running big campaigns to create awareness on allergies to save other children’s lives, doing media interviews and running campaigns. I became irritable, angry, mostly tired and burnt out.

At the hospital where my daughter breathed her last, the grief support volunteer shared literature on Grief Counselling and Support Network of other grieving parents. After much encouragement, I decided to take part in the annual service the hospital organised for babies & children parents had lost. I realised that it was not until years had passed that people found themselves able to participate in something like this — I was the only one who had lost her child only a couple of months ago there. Everyone else was mourning the loss they experienced a decade or more ago!

Talking to someone: SoS for help!

Keeping our feelings under wrap is taught to us as basic etiquette of social conduct. However, in cases where people are able to talk to someone and share how they are feeling, it helps with the process of their healing.

Coffee or a long walk with a friend, a colleague or even a complete stranger sometimes helps unburden some feelings. A non judgemental yet familiar, comforting environment is usually what anyone is seeking when they attempt to open up.

So if you are on the listening end, try to just lend your listening ear and not judgement or sermon.

There are various stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally, Acceptance. In order to navigate through each of these stages, it helps to have support. Most medical practitioners are able to make referrals to good counsellors or therapists. There are also often National helplines that may be available to you. Many companies offer such services for their employees, free of cost.

Returning to Work

Getting back to work is inevitable as there are limited leaves available to working professionals. Most organisations are compassionate and offer the support needed to employees dealing with loss.

As someone grieving here are a few things to consider as you return to work:

1. Talk to HR and plan your return to work before actually coming back to working full time

2. Share selectively, and only if you want to — seek help from a ‘friend’ or ‘confidante’ to manage too many questions, if needed.

3. To help cope, you may want a more private space to resume working to allow you privacy to cope with any emotional outbursts at work.

4. Carry comforters — a picture, a memento or any memorabilia to help you keep your loved ones close to you as you get back to work. More often than not, by choosing to get back to work you may experience moments of guilt that you moved on too quickly!

5. Seek help and plan your workload — it will help to list out things to do and take help from a colleague to share your workload as you slowly cope with your emotional state. Most Managers will be cognisant of your need for support and will be willing to offer it to you — just need to ask for it! Nothing is more important than your well being and remember, everyone needs support in times of distress.

6. Identify any other days you may need to take a day off to mark any anniversaries, prayer meetings, paper work or take care of any legalities.

7. Often, one may not know everything that needs to be done — reach out to your company HR representative to help you with any information you may need to know. Usually companies have provisions via helplines or support groups who may be able to advise.

Celebrating Death: Building a Legacy

When you are ready, instead of mourning, you will start remembering the beautiful times you have had with your loved one, things they did to change others’ lives for the better and causes they held close to their heart.

Use one or few of these as a marker and do something to remember them. I continue to run awareness campaigns, fundraising drives and have set up a bursary/scholarship in my late daughter’s memory to support research. When I don’t want to do anything, I simply sit around with my friends and family and we remember some of the funny stories of her growing up, sharing a good laugh and praying for her soul.

Loss isn’t just that of someone biologically related to or someone who was born. There are so many grieving parents-who-could-have-been, having lost their unborn babies. So many who have lost a foster parent or an uncle/aunt who was more than a parent to them. A niece, nephew or a friend who is not a direct family relation but more than a family. I offer my tribute to each one of you as there is none in this world who has not known grief or pain. All life is after all, born out of pain!