Understanding Grief/Bereavement and Dealing with it in COVID Times

Dr. Nischint Warikoo

Death of someone close brings a whole range of feelings and emotions. Even though everyone’s response to loss is a personal, individual experience, there are some common experiences that many people will share. Bereavement is this experience of losing someone important to us. It is characterised by grief, which is the process and the range of emotions we go through as we gradually adjust to the loss-you will probably experience many emotions which will change over time.

Grieving process

Shortly after the death of a close relative or friend, you may experience: Shock, numbness, panic, or calm, being weepy, or being not able to cry at all and difficulty sleeping.

The effects may over months be replaced by:

• Agitation.
  
• Odd sensations, such as thinking you saw, heard or felt your loved one near you or in the distance. These experiences are not unusual following the death of a near one.
  
• Relief/guilt: it is common to feel relief at someone’s death when suffering ends following a painful and prolonged illness. This may make you feel guilty.
  
• Regret: You may wonder what you could have done differently that might have helped the situation.
  
• Anger: this can be directed at your loved one for leaving you.
  
• These feelings may alternate with depression, weepiness, tiredness and low mood.

Then this over a period can lead to recovering from bereavement – people usually find that gradually – perhaps within a year or two – they are able to start to move on and get on with their lives, and think a little less about the person they have lost. It is quite normal to begin to recover and start to rebuild your life. Try not to feel guilty, it is not disloyal to the memory of the person who has died.

Children and young people 

The Grief is similar in children but with some differences.

The UK organisation Child Bereavement UK reports that every year in the UK over 20,000 children and young people under the age of 18 experience the death of a parent and that around 6% of schoolchildren are grieving the death of a close friend. This may have increased during the Covid times particularly in India as we have seen and heard of deaths of young parents and at times both of them.

How do children respond to such situations?

Clearly children are individuals and some will understand death better than others. 

Under 3 – do not really understand death but they will react to the absence of a known person, and will respond to the emotions and feelings of those around them. 

By age of 4- they will have experience of separation and death is therefore seen as someone “going away” with the expectation that they will come back. By age of 7 -the permanence of death is beginning to be understood. They explore their feelings of sadness.

In covid times it can be extreme as parents or near ones are experiencing anxiety too.

How do the children present when grieving?  

They often express their grief through their behaviour. They may become quieter, or more easily tearful or angry in everyday situations. 

They may have physical symptoms, for example a sore tummy.

When someone dies, children usually realise something is wrong. They need help to understand what has happened and to express their feelings.

How to help them with their grief and it will depend on the age of the child?

Every child is unique and will cope with the death of someone important in their own way. There is no magic formula but things that help include:

• Clear, honest and age-appropriate information. you should tell them the person has died and explain what this means using words they understand. Help children understand that death is natural: all living things die, accidents happen, and illness and old age are all part of the life cycle of people and animals.
• Reassurance that they are not to blame and that different feelings are OK. Children may feel hurt or angry that the person has gone, or may feel it happened because of something they said or did. It’s important to allow children to express these feelings, and to reassure them that they are not to blame.
• Normal routines and a clear demonstration that important adults are there for them
• Time to talk about what has happened, ask questions and build memories
• Being listened to and given time to grieve in their own way children will move in and out of their grief – sad and tearful one moment, and maybe playing the next. It is important to recognise this is normal and to try and support them.

As parents you need to help yourself too. 

It’s important to look after yourself. For example, you should try to eat well, and avoid drinking too much alcohol. It’s also important to know that it’s normal to feel afraid, have nightmares or struggle to see the point of life. However, if you are worried about your feelings, you can speak to your doctor.

Remember:

• grief is normal, it’s part of what it is to be human and to have feelings
  
• grief is a journey, it is often hard, but it will get easier
  
• grief has no shortcuts, it takes time, often much longer than you and many people around you expect
  
• it’s normal both to grieve and live, remember it’s alright to find yourself not thinking about the person who has died
  
• grief can be scary, can lead to depressing thoughts and even thoughts of suicide, while it’s normal to think this way it’s good to talk to someone about these feelings It can be helpful to find someone you trust that you can to talk to, for example a friend, your doctor, or a religious leader. If after a while you feel you’re still not coping, you may want to speak with your doctor.

Finally, it’s important not to expect too much of yourself, and to know when to ask for help. The death of someone close is a major event in anybody’s life and there are no quick ways of adjusting. Impact of COVID and how it complicates Grieving process

Given the global impact of COVID-19, it is hard to escape from information about its impact and the losses that others are experiencing. 

Not only is the person grieving for loss of near ones but at the same time have a fear and anxiety that the same can happen to them or other near ones, this anxiety will have a major impact on the grieving process. The pandemic may make it easier to become more isolated and withdrawn, when your energy and interest in connecting with others is low. 

Seek professional help if your grieving process is not following the usual course as explained earlier. If it is extreme or prolonged seek professional help.

Further support for your child

There are also bereavement charities that offer helplines, email support, and online communities and message boards for children.

These include:

Child Bereavement UK – call 0800 028 8840 Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm, or email support@childbereavement.org

Cruse Bereavement Care – call 0808 808 1677 Monday and Friday, 9.30am to 5pm, and Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday 9.30am to 8pm, or email info@cruse.org.uk

Grief Encounter – call 0808 802 0111 Monday to Friday, 9am to 9pm, or email contact@griefencounter.org.uk

Hope Again – call 0808 808 1677 Monday to Friday, 9.30am to 5pm, or email hopeagain@cruse.org.uk

Winston’s Wish – call 0808 802 0021 Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm, or email info@winstonswish.org

You can also find out more about children and bereavement from the Childhood Bereavement Network

https://www.childbereavementuk.org/supporting-bereaved-children-and-young-people