Am I a Good Parent? 

Dr. Nischint Warikoo

We as parents often wonder – mostly in our mind and sometimes vocally – “am I a good parent”.

This is true for most of the people in most of the countries whether single parent or otherwise. To some extent the apprehension about our parenting is reasonable as research has demonstrated that poor parent-adolescent communication patterns, poor family cohesion and a lack of parental warmth and involvement are closely related to adolescent behavioural difficulties, delinquency and other negative outcomes such as substance abuse.

Parenting is a difficult task for anyone and Immigrant parents (IP) face even more difficult task as this role comes with a unique set of challenges in a new and unfamiliar society.

IPs find their roles and relationships with their children change after immigration (if they immigrated after their children were born in native country) understandably so.

Challenges for Immigrant parents 

Parenting involves transmitting culture and values to children and many immigrant parents were well-prepared for parenting in their original culture and country. For Kashmiris (or other such people who had to migrate twice- out of Kashmir and then out of India) this is even more complicated. In the place of origin parents usually have a well-defined sense of ethnic identity and knew how things should be in their culture of origin. However, these same parents may feel lost or at least off balance in their chosen immigrant land where the differing values and expectations of this new culture may not be well understood.

IPs find their roles and relationships with their children change, and their parenting ability is placed under significant stress in a number of ways in the new culture. They attempt to cope with the tasks of daily life without the familiar support system of family  and friends and the comfort of their culture of origin while faced with problems like shifts in gender-based economic role, realignment of parental authority, role reversal issues, separation of family members, influence of peer culture on children, interfacing with social institutions which are mostly quite different from their country of origin and last but not the least – social media and internet.

Challenges for children of immigrants

The immigrant children are vulnerable to several risk factors especially during adolescence that diminishes the influence of the parents in the acculturation process (the process of cultural and psychological change that takes place as a result of contact between cultural groups and their individual members).

These risk factors include:

1. Parenting styles:The parenting styles we learnt (actively or passively) from our parents or others in our culture are mostly different to the one practised in the new adopted country. And this poses a massive challenge of raising our children in a new culture which seemingly is unsupportive (of the native parenting styles and practices) and may be more permissive (allows practices which would not be allowed in the native country). Probably the most obvious challenge is the loss of community and familiar cultural context, with shared values and the proverbial “village” concept of raising children.
   
2. Language difference: Mother tongue will be different for parents and children and this linguistic separation between parents and children can become symbolic of a profound emotional separation. IPs may have very little expectation or desire to adapt to the values and customs of the new country. Children, however, are typically eager and able to learn and to adopt the values and customs of their peers. Some children resist speaking the language of their parents. Under these circumstances, a language separation evolves which is almost symbolic of an emotional separation which is concurrently developing between parents and children. Children may develop a pseudo-independence from their family, an over-identification with their peers, and  an attitude of defiance towards their parents.
   
3. Identity development: Ethnic identity refers to a sense of belonging to one’s ethnic group or culture of origin and develops during adolescence and young adulthood ethnic identity develops as a result of an active exploration process where one’s experiences are interpreted and an attempt is made to attain a personal understanding of the meaning of one’s group membership. The adolescent identity development process for kids with immigrant parents can be more stressful due to the difficulties inherent in negotiating two cultures and the perception of not fitting well into the mainstream culture. There is a sharp contrast between their present ethnic identity (at home) and who they will become in their new culture.

Based on the above there are some specific things we can do/or avoid as parents, these are:

1. Try not to follow the same parenting styles that you experienced as a child. Parenting styles differ between families living in the same village/ town/city and very likely, between the country of origin and the new country. Parenting styles are deeply influenced by customs, traditions, and the surrounding environment. We adhere, whether consciously or unconsciously, to what we have experienced as children. It is beneficial to realise that what might have worked for you, will not work with children today. And particularly don’t repeat the things that you did not like about your parent’s parenting style -your child might also not like these. Don’t be punitive parents, instead set boundaries which involves having consequences for actions but not punishments.
   
2. Avoid annoying your children by pushing them to study or comparing them to other children, including their siblings. If they do not win a competition or get good grades try to manage your own disappointment (don’t let it spill out on them) and figure out how to help instead. Pay attention to your children’s emotional and social needs, not just their educational success.
   
3. Refrain from constantly reminding your children about the difficulties of your  immigration journey. It is very alluring to share how hard we worked and almost make a show of the sacrifices we have made in your journey to be here. Sharing these anecdotes regularly may only increase the feelings of guilt and insecurity among your children. This is particularly true when your kids are dealing with certain issues of their own. Immigrant parents often, unfortunately lack an understanding of the complicated issues faced by their children in the new cultural context.  It is in such moments that you need to listen to their problems considerately and give them appropriate advice. As parents, we all need to remember that our children have unique challenges of their own that may not seem big to you but it is to them.
   
4. Engaging with the Local Community and Encouraging Bilateral Integration. Encourage your family to participate in community activities, attend local events, and join social clubs or groups. This can provide opportunities for interaction with locals, helping you and your children to understand, appreciate, and adapt to the new culture more. quickly. Encourage your children to maintain their native language and cultural traditions at home while embracing the British culture at school and with friends. This approach enhances their multicultural competence and allows them to grow up appreciating the best of both worlds.
   
5. Be a parent not a teacher. As a parent our duty is to feed them, keep them safe and above all love them (it might sound cheesy but there is research evidence base for this). “Love and affection are essential to a child’s healthy brain development. A child’s feelings about themselves, how confident they are and how well they cope with stress, are all affected by the way their parents respond to them. If you have a warm, loving and affectionate relationship with your child it will help them feel safe and secure. This sense of security is known as bonding or. attachment. When children feel secure they are more likely to be happy and confident, and be able to handle conflicts and anger. If your child feels secure they are more likely to be curious and start exploring, which will help them develop well.”1¹
   

Your children will have lots of teacher’s, trainers and critics in their life but only you as their parents can offer unconditional love. Listen to them, bite your tongue if you are dying to pass a judgement on them, take a deep breath and let them finish what there are saying (even if it goes against all your cultural, religious, social beliefs). Actively listen and ask them whether they need your advice on the subject. Don’t thrust it down their throats. If it is difficult to do this – imagine yourself at their age telling your parent, the same problem and what you would have expected your parents to do…

I know some of these may not be easy to implement. I am planning a parenting workshop soon and will be able to discuss and explain in more detail. Thanks for reading and happy parenting. 

Dr Nishchint Warikoo is a Consultant child and adolescent psychiatrist, working for the Oxford NHS trust .

1. Welsh Government. Make time for love and affection (suitable from birth). Available at: https://www.gov.wales/parenting-give-it-time/guidance-and-advice/parenting-tips/tips-for-guiding-childrens-behaviour/make-time-for-love-and-affection. Accessed. April. 2024. ↩︎